Fall To Pieces
by Lucy Maria Elmer
Summary: After a day of near loss two of the Atlantis inhabitants find themselves brought closer together. A Post 38 Minutes McWeir fic
1. Default Chapter

Fall To Pieces.  
  
AUTHOR : Lucy Maria Elmer  
  
SUMMARY: After a day of near loss two of the Atlantis inhabitants find themselves brought closer together.  
  
CATEGORY: McWeir angst.  
  
RATING :PG.  
  
SEASON: Early season 1.  
  
SPOILERS : 38 Minutes.  
  
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognizable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret Productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on Copyrights or trademarks were intended. Previously Unrecognised characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead is coincidental and not intended by the author.  
  
Dr Elizabeth Weir left the tired and hungry Major Shepphard resting in the infirmary. She tiredly rubbed her eyes as she walked down the long corridors of Atlantis, so many still unexplored and holding secrets that were unknown to the people that now called it a home.  
  
It had been a long day for all and one that had left her emotionally drained and broken. She had nearly lost some of her best people. Some of the brightest lights that shone among the people on Atlantis. She'd had to stand there helplessly as they all fought for a chance to live aboard the Puddle jumper. She'd had to listen to Shepphard scream in pain and Rodney panic and there wasn't a thing she could do for them. Not one thing. All she could do was try and calm them down and try and reassure them while Atlantis' group of Scientists and Doctors fought to save their lives, and provide a link between all groups working to save them. Even then she'd found herself having confrontations with a group of the Athosians and one of the Scientists.  
  
Now that everyone was back through safely it was starting to hit her what she could have lost that day and how close she came to losing a group of people she already cared about very much. As much as she hated to admit it to herself she was questioning her ability as a leader too. What kind of a leader was she if people questioned her as they had that day? And what kind of leader was she if she could barely hold herself together now?  
  
Elizabeth stopped and leant back against the wall finding herself unable to move as a whirlwind of emotions whizzed though her.  
  
"Come on Elizabeth you've held your own all day. You can't afford to lose it now." She whispered to herself taking a deep breath as she fought against the emotion building up inside of her. She was their leader. There was no way she could lose it in one of the corridors where everybody could see her. She didn't want it to get back to Cavanaugh that he had gotten to her.  
  
She stood there for a couple of minutes trying to pull herself together, aware all the time of the concerned glances of her colleagues as they walked past. It wasn't until she decided to go to her quarters and started walking that she saw a very concerned looking McKay standing a little way in front of her, watching her.  
  
She inwardly cursed. He shouldn't be the one concerned for her and she could tell by his face that he was. It should be the other way round. It was the other way round. She had been so scared for him, especially when she'd heard him panicking on the puddle jumper. She knew it was a character trait. She knew he had a tendency to get carried away and over dramatize things when he was afraid. It was his way of dealing with fear and his way of stopping other people seeing how scared he really was. Sarcasm was his way of pushing people away. She could see through it though and she knew that deep down Rodney McKay was a sensitive and insecure man, and there he was standing in front of her concerned for her well being when he had been one of the people that had been staring death in the face.  
  
Elizabeth thought about turning around and walking the other way. As much as she respected Rodney and cared for him, as she did Shepphard and all of the people under her leadership, she wasn't sure that she was up to holding a deep and meaningful conversation with a man who spent more time thinking about his stomach than his feelings and those of the people around him. As soon as that thought passed through her mind though she felt guilty. It was unfair to categorize him as that kind of person. That wasn't all there was to him and she knew it. She knew that she should be touched that the concern on his face was for her and not for himself.  
  
She took a deep breath and walked towards him with her best smile on her face.  
  
"Hi Rodney." She said to him as cheerfully as she could manage when she reached him.  
  
"Hey." He replied looking at her unsurely. "Elizabeth are you..."  
  
"How are you doing?" She cut in not allowing him to finish asking his question.  
  
"Oh you know. As good as can be expected when you've spent 38 minutes convinced that you're facing certain death." He told her.  
  
"It must have been scary. It was bad enough here listening to it all." Elizabeth commented.  
  
"Scary is an understatement. Seeing Shepphard suffer like that was awful. I really didn't think he stood a chance in hell of surviving that. I thought we were all pretty screwed" He told her. "But we made it."  
  
"You did. It was touch and go there for a while but you did. Thinking what could have happened..."  
  
Rodney studied her. There was something different about her. Was there fear in her eyes?  
  
"Elizabeth..."  
  
"Are you sure you're all right?" She asked him again softly looking at the floor.  
  
"I'm fine. I've eaten. I've drunk tons of coffee. I peed...I hear you had a problem with Cavanaugh." He said quietly.  
  
"It was nothing." She replied softly.  
  
"It didn't sound like nothing from what people have been saying. Did he threaten you? He can be a bit of a jackass. I know I'm one to talk but... Elizabeth?" He called quietly as he saw how withdrawn she was.  
  
"I have paperwork to do." She said knowing it was an excuse and leaving him standing there behind her as she walked away.  
  
"Hey wait a second." He called running after her. "I'm trying to ask if you're all right."  
  
Elizabeth stopped and turned to look at him touched by the hurt on his face.  
  
"I'm fine. I really do have paperwork to do." She told him looking at the floor.  
  
"Look me in the eyes and tell me that you're fine." He asked her.  
  
She couldn't bring herself to do it. She just stood there.  
  
"I'm the leader. I shouldn't be feeling like this." She told him softly.  
  
"Like what. Elizabeth..." He prompted.  
  
Elizabeth immediately regretted saying something. He was already worried and now she knew that he would be even more concerned for her. She didn't want him to think that she was questioning herself or her abilities. She didn't want him to see her as weak. The only thing she could do was push him away. Then he wouldn't get the chance to see what she was trying to hide under the surface. He wouldn't get the chance to think that she was a failure too.  
  
"Rodney I can't do this. Not here and not with you." She told him sternly walking off again, tears threatening to fall because she was pushing away someone who had shown genuine concern for her.  
  
"Then who are you going to do this with?" He called after her loudly.  
  
Elizabeth turned around angrily and glared at him. He walked up to her and stood facing her, mirroring her own stance and putting his hands on his hips.  
  
"If you're not going to talk to me then who are you going to talk to?" He asked her.  
  
"Rodney stop this." She told him sternly.  
  
"No I won't. I will not stop this because I know that something's up. You can push me away if you want but you know how determined I am. I'll wear you down..." He pointed out smiling.  
  
"Nothing's up." She told him smiling in spite of herself.  
  
"Just because you're our leader doesn't mean that you can't have feelings. You shouldn't be afraid to show them. You need to talk about them." He told her.  
  
"I'm not having this conversation with you Rodney. You of all people here."  
  
She mentally kicked herself when she saw his face fall.  
  
"Is that how much you think of me? You think you can't even talk to me? That I won't take you seriously or listen because there's no way Rodney McKay could ever think of anyone but himself? I thought you knew me better than that." He said hurt she could think so little of him. "You know what? Forget it. I've had one hell of a day. I'm not sticking around to be made to feel worse by the one person that I really want to make sure is okay. " He told her angrily walking off.  
  
Elizabeth stood there shocked. Not by his outburst, he was right to be angry, but by what she had said to him. Of course she knew she could talk to him. For all of his faults she knew he'd listen. She'd learnt it during some of the late nights in the Antarctic when they had stayed up talking about anything and everything. Until the sun came up.  
  
Deciding that her plan of not losing it in the corridors had already been shot to pieces by her and Rodney having a rather public disagreement Elizabeth ran after him. She caught up with him after a couple of minutes. He wouldn't even look at her as she walked beside him.  
  
"Rodney I'm sorry." She apologised.  
  
He still wouldn't look at her.  
  
"I'm sorry. Rodney please. What I said...I didn't mean it."  
  
"Yes you did. It's okay. Everyone else thinks its true so why not you."  
  
"Rodney..." She said softly her heart breaking even more when she saw the hurt on his face.  
  
"It's okay Elizabeth. You'd rather be alone. I understand. It's the same for everybody else here. I'm too much hard work for all of you."  
  
"No you don't understand. You don't understand at all." She told him tearfully.  
  
He turned around and gently put his hands on her arms.  
  
"Then make me." He replied softly hating to see her hurting. She'd been holding it together so well since they came back except for the brief moment when they had been trying to revive Shepphard and she looked as though her legs were going to give way. Then he hard about Cavanaugh and the Athosians and how worried she had been and even when they were just in the Infirmary and she was smiling and joking with Shepphard he could sense that there was a lot on her mind.  
  
"You have every right to feel something about today. You're our leader. Your people were trapped and facing death. You had confrontations with one of our people and one of the Athosians..."  
  
"You were the one on the ship..." She told him softly.  
  
"Don't remind me." He joked then turning serious. "And you are our leader who had to listen to us all suffer and try and keep the peace."  
  
"I couldn't do anything Rodney." She whispered.  
  
"What?" He asked her quietly.  
  
"The only thing I could do was be a go between and find out what you'd discovered or what the scientists and medical teams had discovered and relay it backwards and forwards. I couldn't do anything myself to help you. I wouldn't have had a clue where to start. What kind of leader does that make me?" She asked him tearfully.  
  
Rodney looked around and noticed that people had stopped and were looking at them. Elizabeth looked distraught and he didn't want to stop her from talking when she had just started to open up.  
  
"Come on. We have an audience. Let's go discuss this somewhere private okay?" He asked her softly.  
  
Elizabeth nodded and let him lead her along the corridors. A few minutes later she found herself in his laboratory.  
  
"And we're here why?" She asked him looking around and smiling when she saw so many things that reminded her of him.  
  
"Because they all know better than to interrupt me in my inner sanctum." He replied pulling out a chair and motioning for her to sit on it. She gratefully did.  
  
Rodney sat on his desk in front of her.  
  
"You're worried that you're not a worthy leader?" He asked her shocked.  
  
Elizabeth looked at the floor.  
  
"You can't think that. You're doing an amazing job. Everyone here respects you."  
  
"I was in over my head today Rodney. It was all I could do to keep checking on everyone and to see if there were any developments that could save you all. Time was ticking and all I could do was keep checking on everyone to see if they knew how to save you. I couldn't do a thing to help."  
  
"You did what you could. That's all that matters." He reassured her.  
  
"But it wasn't enough was it? Do you have any idea how helpless I felt? Or how horrible I felt when I denied the Athosians their ritual because we were running out of time?" She asked him sadly.  
  
"You wanted us to focus on finding a way out, not to give us a message that in all likelihood may have caused us to give up. It was the right call to make at the time. You know me; I would have panicked even more and never would have been able to figure out that control conduit. I would have felt like you were giving up on us." "But everyone has their own beliefs Rodney and I denied Teyla and her people theirs. What if you all had died because of my choice and Teyla had not been prepared for her death, as is her people's custom? The Athosians would never have forgiven me. I would never have forgiven myself." She admitted unable to even imagine what it would have been like if they hadn't made it. If he hadn't made it. She couldn't imagine Atlantis without him on it. Without his sarcasm, awful jokes and whining and without the way that it made her feel warm inside every time she saw him return from a mission safe and sound.  
  
"You can't keep thinking of the ifs. Trust me, it's not pleasant. I don't know what it's like to experience the whole hard vacuum thing but I imagine it's not a pretty way to go. You can't keep questioning yourself either. I know it's hard when something happens like what happened today but what's done is done. You have no reason to doubt yourself."  
  
"I'm not sure I can do this Rodney." She admitted quietly, not wanting to show herself as having doubts but feeling the need to talk to someone and realising he made her feel safe enough to open up to him.  
"Of course you can." He reassured her.  
  
"If Cavanaugh had been right then my decision to let you play around with that control conduit could possibly have cost you all your lives by causing an explosion." She told him regretfully.  
  
"Elizabeth I would have done it anyway. We needed that chance. And you were right. By my doing that it helped get us back."  
  
"That's not the point Rodney."  
  
"Yes it is. Elizabeth we're here. We're home. We're safe and sound. Shepphard's okay, Teyla's okay, Ford is okay. We're all okay. You have no need to question your abilities as a leader. You did all you could today. You kept us going. You got us through it and you made the right choices. That's all that matters."  
  
"I could have done better." She told him quietly.  
  
"Stop being so hard on yourself. This is a whole new situation for all of us. We're all learning as we go along. There is no right or wrong here. We're all doing the best we can."  
  
"And what if my best isn't good enough? I'm supposed to be leading you all. How can I lead you when I doubt myself like this? If I worry about every decision I make?" She asked him thinking back to Cavanaugh and the Athosians and every other choice she had made since their arrival.  
  
"Because this is all new. This is bigger than all of us. It's all right to question yourself. I do it all the time. But you have to know that we have faith in you and your choices. You were right to focus on us living instead of our dying in the case of the Athosians. You were right to let me carry on with that panel even when Cavanaugh spoke to you so rudely about that risk. You were right Elizabeth." He assured her.  
  
"Then why do I feel so terrible?" She asked him softly, wiping a tear from her cheek.  
  
"Because it's been hard. You lived through it all just the same as us." He told her.  
  
"But you're not sitting here whining about it." She told him smiling softly.  
"Yes which is very uncharacteristic of me." He replied grinning. "I was really scared Rodney. I'm so scared of all of this. It's all so new." She admitted, her shoulders shaking with silent tears.  
  
Rodney slid himself off the desk and knelt down in front of her. He slowly reached for her hands which were resting on her lap, unsure as whether to try and comfort her or not, but when he saw no signs of the tears stopping he took her hands in his own.  
  
"It's all right to be scared. We're all scared except maybe Shepphard. He's just cocky. This is a big thing for anyone to be in charge of and that job's fallen on you. It's scary enough to be a part of it. Amazing and rewarding but scary all the same. But in charge...? No-ones done anything like this before except maybe General Hammond, but he was on Earth not on a different planet unable to go home. You're just feeling overwhelmed that's all. When you find your feet you're going to be even more of an amazing leader than you are now. We believe in you. Screw the people that have a problem" He told her.  
  
Elizabeth smiled.  
  
"Thank you." She told him gratefully.  
  
"It's the truth." He reassured her and she could hear the sincerity in his voice. It touched her so much that when she thought of how close she had come to losing him she found the tears coming again.  
  
"Elizabeth?" He asked again softly.  
  
There was no way she could tell him how she was feeling. Not completely. Not about the part he played in her life and the place he held in her heart. It wasn't fair on Simon for her to be thinking like this and she couldn't tell Rodney. She'd already let down her guard so much that she was worried that he saw her as weak. She could never admit to him what he meant to her.  
  
"I'm sorry." She told him tiredly. "I guess today is catching up with me."  
  
"It's okay." He reassured her again. "Look why don't you sit here for a moment and get yourself together. I'll be right back." He told her getting up and walking to the door.  
  
Elizabeth glared at him.  
  
"Let me get this straight. I come in here. I open up to you. I cry in front of you and you're ready to just get up and leave me here like this?" She shouted suddenly angry with him, thinking she may have misjudged him.  
  
Rodney looked at her as if he was shell-shocked.  
  
"I said I was going to come back I..." He started but Elizabeth was already at the door.  
  
"Forget about it. I'm fine." She told him through gritted teeth before quickly walking down the corridors leaving and stunned and hurt Rodney behind.  
  
"What'd you do to the lass?" Asked a voice from behind him.  
  
McKay turned around to see Beckett standing there.  
  
"She was upset. She..."  
  
Beckett raised an eyebrow.  
  
"I did nothing okay!" Rodney told him angrily.  
  
"Aye okay." Beckett replied holding up his hands.  
  
"I'll never understand women." Rodney told his friend sighing as he ran a hand through his hair.  
  
"Nor will I Rodney. Nor will I." Beckett replied nodding his head in agreement and putting a hand on Rodney's shoulder. 


	2. Chapter 2

Elizabeth lay on her bed in her pyjamas. It was still early evening but she just wanted to crawl into bed and forget how awful she felt about all the hurtful things she'd said to Rodney and about how scared she had been when she'd heard how much they were suffering in the Puddle Jumper. She wanted to forget how helpless and lost she had felt when she had realised how close they were to losing their lives, and about how overwhelmed she was feeling about their time on Atlantis so far.  
  
She knew that things would get easier in regards to being in charge. Deep down she knew that she could do it and she hoped that the inhabitants of Atlantis believed it also because she truly did have their best interests at heart. She also knew that they were likely to face even more terrifying situations than they had already. Situations which they'd all have to deal with, and like today she was sure that when it came down to it she'd be strong enough and capable enough to deal with them even if it did mean she came into conflict with others. They'd not been there for long yet and there was still so much to experience, but that exciting thought didn't stop her feeling a little unsettled and overwhelmed about things. As much as she was enjoying the experience she couldn't help but wonder what the future had in store.  
  
She didn't feel as bad now about how she had been feeling because Rodney had made it obvious to her that she wasn't the only one feeling overwhelmed about things and questioning things. He was right when he'd said that it was okay to be scared because what they were a part of now truly was bigger then all of the people on Atlantis and so totally new. She only hoped that people had as much faith in her as he said that they did. She loved it on Atlantis and she loved the opportunity she'd been given to lead such an amazingly intelligent and talented group of people. She wouldn't give it up for the world. But nothing could ever stop her questioning things when people's lives were being threatened. Especially the lives of people she held dear.  
  
Her thoughts turned to Rodney again. How could she have hurt him like that? He'd let down his guard to her that night to comfort her and she had repaid him by storming out on him. There was a whole other side to him that he'd shown to her that night. A gentle and caring side which only came out when he was around her or other people he held closest to his heart. It was a side that he was afraid to show too often because he was afraid that if he did show it he'd only get hurt, and so he used his sarcasm instead as a tool to keep people at arms length. There were a few people it didn't work with however and she was one of them. She'd seen through it the very moment she'd laid eyes on him and from the very first moment they had met a bond had formed between the pair. It was a bond she hoped would grow further and blossom and now she couldn't help but think she'd stopped any of that from happening.  
  
Elizabeth buried her head in her pillow and willed sleep to come. She couldn't bear the guilt or the emotion that filled her for the near loss they had suffered that day. She couldn't sleep at all. Instead she just lay silently.  
  
She must have lain there for a quarter of an hour before she realised that someone was knocking on the door to her quarters. She thought about not answering but it wouldn't be very reasonable for the leader of Atlantis to ignore somebody who might have something important to say.  
  
She ran her fingers through her hair hoping she looked at least a little bit presentable and opened the door to see Rodney standing there with a tray in his arms.  
  
She looked at him shocked and he stood there with his mouth wide open as she was wearing a satin vest top and pyjama bottoms and thought she'd never looked more beautiful.  
  
"I did wonder whether to just leave this in front of the door for you but I thought the hot chocolate might get cold. Here." He told her handing her the tray, which had a mug of hot chocolate on it and an assortment of chocolate.  
  
"Rodney I'm..." She started wanting to apologise so much.  
  
"If you had stayed you would have realised that I was going to leave for a few minutes to get you these. I thought you might be hungry. I knew you hadn't eaten and I know that chocolate usually cheers me up so I was going to ask Beckett if I could have some of the little stash he thought I didn't know that he had. I didn't know what you liked so I brought a bit of everything." He told her not giving her a chance to apologise.  
  
"Rodney..."  
  
"Which you can see I did. So yeah. Goodnight." He told her sharply turning around to leave.  
  
"Why did you do this?" She asked him quietly.  
  
"Because I care." He replied quickly. "I hate seeing you upset. But you're obviously not feeling as warmly towards me this evening so I will bid you goodnight. You look lovely by the way." He added softly before starting to walk away.  
  
"Rodney stop." She called after him.  
  
He turned around.  
  
"You have every right to be angry with me. I would be too and I'm sorry but...please don't go." She pleaded.  
  
Rodney looked at her sadly but didn't move.  
  
"Please don't make me do this in front of everybody." She pleaded. "I'm sorry."  
  
Rodney sighed and ran a hand over his face. He was torn between walking away and going to her. Part of him was screaming, telling him to see if she was all right and to listen to her but she had hurt him at a time when he had opened himself up to her and another part of him told him just to walk away.  
  
"Look I can't eat all of this by myself." She said softly. "I'd feel guilty." She told him smiling.  
  
Rodney still stood pensively.  
  
"You are so stubborn. Do you want me to beg? We need to talk Rodney. Come on...please?"  
  
Rodney sighed unable to bear the guilt of making her plead like that. He walked back over to her and she motioned for him to come inside her quarters. For a moment he stood there apprehensively.  
  
"People might talk." He told her quietly.  
  
"Yeah well they've already seen and heard more than enough to keep them gossiping for a few weeks. Look I can't stand out here talking to you in my pyjamas." She told him making him smile.  
  
"And I guess we can't have your drink getting cold."  
  
Elizabeth smiled softly and Rodney followed her into her quarters. She sat down on her bed taking a sip of her drink and watched him study his surroundings.  
  
"I like what you've done with the place." He told her trying to break the tension.  
  
Elizabeth smiled.  
  
"It's going to be a while before it really feels like home." She commented looking around the sparsely decorated room that had now become her quarters.  
  
Rodney nodded in agreement.  
  
"Look Rodney I am so sorry that I snapped at you like that and stormed out. What you wanted to do for me...what you have done for me tonight with this and listening to me...it's really sweet and thoughtful. I shouldn't have walked out on you like that." She told him softly.  
  
" Okay I'm surprised. You just used the words sweet and thoughtful in a description of me. That's never happened before." He told her smiling.  
"I kind of surprised myself with that." She told him grinning. "But really you have been. For all of your sarcasm and whinging there's a lovely man underneath all that and I pushed you away when I shouldn't have done."  
  
"Why did you? I mean I know it's been a hard day. We felt pretty helpless there too remember. Why did you get so angry with me? I didn't think I was even being remotely annoying."  
  
"You weren't. It was me...it was...never mind." She told him playing with the duvet.  
  
"No I want to know because if it's something to do with the way I behave then I can do something about it. I don't offer that option to everybody you know." "It was me Rodney. For once it wasn't you." She told him and he smiled.  
  
"But why?" He asked her curiously.  
  
"Rodney I can't." She told him softly taking a bite of some of the chocolate, not able to meet his eye.  
  
"Elizabeth you stormed out on me. That's not like you. Please tell me..."  
  
Elizabeth sighed when she realised that this was something that he wasn't going to give up on.  
  
"I was angry with myself okay?" She admitted to him quietly.  
  
"Angry about what? You haven't done anything that you should be angry about." He told her sitting down next to her.  
  
"I was angry because I doubted myself so much. I was angry because I was sitting in front of you crying when I'm supposed to be your leader. I was angry because you were going to leave me there. I was angry...for so many reasons."  
  
"You were angry that I was going to leave you. Why?" He asked her almost afraid of the answer.  
"Because I was upset. Because I thought that you thought me a bad and a weak leader. I thought that my being emotional was too much for you to handle and that was why you were going to leave me."  
  
Rodney shuffled closer to her.  
  
"I would never think that of you. Everyone needs to talk and to cry sometimes. Even you. Even me." He told her.  
  
"I didn't want you to leave me because..." She started again wondering why she found it so hard to say what she wanted to when she was a trained diplomat.  
  
"Because..." He prompted taking some of the chocolate himself.  
  
"Never mind." She said softly wanting to tell him so much but not being able to think of the words or past the consequences for both of them if she did.  
  
"Look I'm not trying to be mean or a pain in the ass but you asked me in here to talk. Please don't clam up on me now."  
  
Elizabeth looked at him and saw the sincerity and concern in his eyes for her. She took in every detail of his concerned face, a face that so usually was filled with disdain. She could see that he truly cared about her enough to let his guard down and be what she needed that night, and she realised how unfair it was to keep everything bottled up the way she had been.  
  
Elizabeth got off the bed and started to pace around the room.  
  
"Today really has been hard on you hasn't it? He's going to be okay you know." Rodney told her sure her concern was about Shepphard.  
  
"I know he is. I was so worried about him. When I saw that they were having problems bringing him back..."  
  
"Yeah it was pretty scary." Rodney agreed. "There was a whole lot of fear on board that ship." He added shuddering at the memory.  
  
"We could have lost you. All of you. I don't know what I would have done if you hadn't come back."  
  
"You would have carried on. You would have done us proud. You would still be the gifted leader you are now." Rodney reassured her.  
  
"I would have been lost. I came so close to losing you today." She told him unable to look at him.  
  
"But you didn't." He replied quickly.  
  
"But I could have. I know it could happen just like that. I know that. I'm not naive enough to think that we're going to be out here doing what we're doing and not have any casualties. The Wraith already want to kick our asses and who knows what else we'll come up against. I was afraid."  
  
"So were we. If I had of been any more scared I woulda peed my pants." He joked.  
  
"The thought of losing you..." Elizabeth started again.  
  
"But we're okay..." Rodney replied trying to reassure her but exasperating her a little.  
  
"Rodney. Listen to me. I was afraid of losing all of you but on some level I was absolutely terrified of losing you. That's why I didn't want you to leave me. Because the thought of losing you terrifies me and I spent 38 minutes today on the brink of that happening. I heard you panic. I heard Shepphard scream. I wanted to help but I couldn't and that's part of the reason why I've been upset because I feel so terrible about what nearly happened today. Not just about confrontations I had with people and about doubting myself but because I could have lost so much. I feel so terrible because I nearly lost you. And then when you were going to walk out I thought that you'd given up on me and I don't want you to do that."  
  
"Hey shush. It's okay." He told her walking over to where she stood shaking a little and putting his hands on her shoulders. "I wouldn't do that."  
  
"I shouldn't care this much Rodney don't you understand? I have Simon back home. I have so many people under my leadership and here I am crying because I nearly lost you. Six people could have died today."  
  
"Hey thanks. It's nice to know that you feel awful for caring about me." He told her a little hurt. "You have to understand Rodney. I'm with somebody back home and I feel so guilty. And I feel guilty because I should care for everybody equally. I should care for all of your lives equally."  
  
"You do care for all of our lives. Every word that you said today showed concern for us all. And it's okay. I do understand. When I was trying to figure out what to do on the jumper one of the things I kept thinking was that I might never be able to see you again." He admitted. "You know you're actually one of a few people that can actually get me to calm down when I go off on a rant? But you're our leader and you have someone back on Earth so I do understand. I understand completely. I wouldn't jeopardise your happiness. You have to know that."  
  
"I don't know what to do." She admitted sounding completely lost. "We don't know if we can go home and I left him videotape...I didn't even tell him in person that I was leaving. I'm not even sure that I have someone to go back to. I didn't expect this to happen. I expected to care about the people I work with. Of course I did and I do. But when someone close to you nearly dies the prospect of losing him or her.... It makes you realise what a hole might be left behind if they go."  
  
"Elizabeth I'm here. I'm safe. You need to stop thinking about what could have happened. I care about you so much..." he reassured her. "But I know that you have Simon. I know that this is complicated. I don't expect us to do any more than we do now. Or to become any more than we are now. I wouldn't do anything to jeopardize what you have with him or what you feel for him. I have too much respect for you to do that."  
  
Elizabeth smiled and turned to face him. She put a hand on his cheek tenderly.  
  
"Underneath it all you're a good man Rodney McKay." She told him rubbing her thumb against his cheek and marvelling at how soft it felt.  
  
"Yeah well don't go telling anybody okay? I have a reputation to keep." He replied cheekily.  
  
"It's a deal." She told him.  
  
"I would never have abandoned you when you were upset like that. I promise you that I was going to come back. Today could have been the last day that I'd ever see you and I realised that...I...I just wouldn't have left you there." He told her losing the nerve to say all that he wanted to say but hoping she'd understand.  
  
Elizabeth put a finger over his lips.  
  
"I know." She replied. "And I'm sorry that I was so sarcastic to you when I was on the jumper...I was really panicking. It wasn't personal. Just ask Shepphard, Teyla and Ford, they got the brunt of it too. To be honest just hearing your voice was a comfort. If I had died today I'm glad that your voice would have been one of the last things that I heard." He admitted.  
  
A single tear rolled down her cheek as she heard his kind words and saw him blush.  
  
"I'm glad that I could mean that much." She told him, her voice breaking with the emotion that she felt.  
  
Rodney put his hand over her own.  
  
"I'll always be there for you Elizabeth. I want you to know that you can come to me any time if you need to talk...anything. I won't expect any more from you than what we have now. I'll just be there when you need me. Whenever you need me. As long as you know that you have my care and respect that's all that matters to me." He told her softly and sincerely.  
  
Elizabeth looked at him and realised for the first time just how beautiful his eyes were and how full they were of care and concern for her.  
  
"And I know that I'm not Shepphard. I know that I don't have the way with people or the charm that he has but I promise you I'll do my best...I.."  
  
A soft pair of lips touching his own interrupted Rodney. It was the most gentle and loving kiss he'd ever experienced and one of the most unexpected.  
  
"You do realise that you just kissed me?" He asked her a little stunned after she pulled away from him.  
  
Elizabeth smiled at his reaction and nodded.  
  
"I just wanted to see what I was missing." She replied softly.  
  
Rodney cupped her cheeks in his hands and softly ran his thumbs in a circular pattern on her cheeks. Slowly he leant in and captured her lips with his own and it was as if a lightning bolt shot between the both of them as the kiss deepened.  
  
He pulled away slowly, her face still cupped in his hands and waited to be slapped or shouted at. Elizabeth instead smiled and put her hands over his own, entwining her fingers with his and putting their hands on her lap. For a man who appeared so brash and loud he was certainly one of the most gentle and tender people that she had met.  
  
"I have some choices to make." She whispered resting her forehead against his and sighing a little sadly.  
  
"Take your time okay? I don't want you to make the wrong one and then to be unhappy." He said squeezing her hands.  
  
Elizabeth kissed him on the forehead softly.  
  
"Thank you." She told him gratefully.  
  
"You should bear in mind that I'm sarcastic, hard work, a bit of a hypochondriac and have a superiority complex." He told her grinning.  
  
"Rodney trust me. I know." She replied smiling. "But that's not all there is to you and we both know that. You need to learn to trust people more."  
  
"I trust you."  
  
Elizabeth smiled touched.  
  
"But yeah. I know. I'm working on it." He assured her.  
  
"Good."  
  
"I should let you get some rest." He said when she yawned. "It's been a long and hard day. I'm about ready to fall asleep on my feet."  
  
Elizabeth nodded, watching as he walked to the door.  
  
Before he left he turned around.  
  
"I meant it when I said for you to take your time. I'll still be here. Sweet dreams Elizabeth."  
  
"Sweet dreams. I'm glad you found your way to Atlantis Rodney." She told him as he opened the door and stepped out of her quarters.  
  
"I am too." He replied honestly, quietly closing the door behind him, wondering what new doors would be opened for all of them because of their time on Atlantis and hoping that angels would grant her a peaceful sleep and keep her safe until the morning.  
  



End file.
